Letters from……

I can’t for the life of me understand why it has become so hard to open your letters. Truth be told they have become a flashback for me. I have to be in a good space mentally when I read them, but lately I have felt the opposite. I miss you and I can’t stand myself for not being able to open your letters anymore.It has felt like opening them has become more sad than ever before. I think I am just fearful of the contents of the letters, how many times can we actually say I’m sorry to one another, How much can I really say to you without you worrying too much about me and my well-being? I look at your letters and wish I could tell you everything, I wish it could be like it used to be, I wish things were different for you. I wish I could tell you I still love you and I always will be there for you. I wish I could tell you I’m not ignoring you and I’m not avoiding.I wish I could explain all these things but I can’t, at least not right now. Let me tell you things weren’t the same when you left. It was sad, we were close, you looked out for me and I did the same for you. I can honestly say I am sure I seen the good in you . For a long time it was really hard to even write you letters. I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it and a lot of the time I still don’t. No excuse, I just became selfish and self-absorbed only worrying about myself and my life. How could I right? I ask myself the same question, just know I never forgot you. Your letters gave me hope for things we don’t control. Your letters were just the right amount of funny and serious. You letters made me both smile and cry. Your letters  began putting all the pieces back together again for me.Your letters acknowledged the truth, put things into perspective and reminded me how talented a writer you are. I just want you to know through everything I forgive you not because you said the words I am sorry, but because love never fails, and in order for me to grow as a follower of God, I must forgive. I keep replaying all the good memories of you, all those times you stood up for me, all those times we argued (funny now but not at the time) over simple things. I remember how selfless you were in making decisions but I also remember how silly you were, and how much you felt you had to prove to yourself and people. I am sitting here cracking up with tears in my eyes writing this.There are so many things I want to say, but the main thing I want to say is thank you for all those times you listened to me. Now it’s my time to listen to you and open your letters.



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