No Suffering in Silence.

Falling to pieces………Drowning in sorrow….Staring at a unworn cross necklace……Holding back the hate, disgust, and mixed emotions I feel towards myself and the world. Thoughts of self – harm, razor in hand, thoughts of death plague me. Numbness….. Ready to go, climb back in my box, in my zone and sort out the broken pieces of my life, sort of the broken pieces of me. Processing losing loved ones to the justice system & others who walked away, big decisions to make. The world never stops turning, no matter how much pain I’m in. It doesn’t stop spinning,let you regroup, figure out your issues then continue on. No, you must regroup while the world and time continue to move. My thoughts are running in circles. Take the meds they say. Pray they say. Believe this they say. Cope they say. Take it a day at a time they say. Believe God will get you through this they say. My thoughts are lost…..I’m lost. Depression has a grip on me so tight I honestly really don’t know if it will ever let go, or if I will be “weak” as they say and succumb to it and let it have me. I could never do that, right ? I really don’t know anymore. Who cares ? Never feeling good enough. Never feeling like anything I do is good enough. Lost. Lonely. Cold. Frustrated. Aggravated. Confused. Sad. Mad. Optimistic..and empty. No one and I mean no one seems to get it and the worse my symptoms and thoughts get the more I shut the world off from me. They won’t understand. They won’t accept me. I don’t want to deal with others when I am unstable & in pain. No friends. No family … just me and Lil🐾 and even she deserves better than me. There doesn’t seem to be answers in the places I have been looking. There seems to be nothing but emptiness that continues to fill me. When I close my eyes I see darkness, a place where I want to hide.


Please refrain from commenting on this post.


Thanks for taking time and reading my journey ! It is what it is, and life just sucks sometimes .

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All Of Me.💚❤️

I’ve been singing 🎶 quite a bit, getting ready for my upcoming book releases 📖,

and being a little sick due to ill effects from food/meds, I believe.


Something I continue to struggle with day in and day out is self-hatred. Feeling like I’m not good enough, feeling like a burden, feeling like a mistake, felling like I deserve bad things that have happened to me, overall just feeling icky about myself and who I am.


But despite those thoughts and feelings I’ve had for years, I am on a mission to learn to love &take care of myself better. I’m not perfect at it, but I have been better. I’ve been more in tune with taking care of my body. I’ve been better with accessing how I feel &when I need to remove myself from a toxic or triggering situation. I don’t miss doses of meds. I’ve started to watch what I eat and I am in the process of transitioning to full vegan, I’ve been a vegetarian for about 8 or so years and I’m ready to take it a step farther. I want to care for my body & mind in ways I’ve neglected to in the past.


All these things I’ve been doing are self-care .Basic self-care can be really hard for me some days. Especially those days I have no appetitie and I don’t want to get out of bed due to depression. But practicing these new self-care habits has started to help me to care about and love myself more. It’s definitely a DIFFICULT process but I pray it continues and become easier even on the difficult days.


I dedicate this song to myself because I’m truly learning to love All of Me ! 💚❤️ Flaws & all. Excuse all my silly faces in the video! I was literally looking at myself and singing to myself ! 🤓 because why not ? It’s a great feeling to sing to myself, be silly, and just embrace my flaws. This video makes me smile ! 😊😀


I hope that if you suffer from self-hatred, negative thoughts about yourself, or low self-esteem you find ways to LOVE and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Embrace who you are & all those beautiful and amazing things about yourself! You are beautiful, handsome, amazing, cool, special and God loves you & don’t let the world 🌎 tell you any different ….


Inspire. Motivate. Love 

~Natasha R. Minier

Drawing New Lines.

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I didn’t draw new lines because I wanted to break rules and go against everything I once believed in. I am deciding to draw new lines in my life because I am sick and tired of trying to fit (my colors) who I am into the “lines” aka expectations I felt others put on me, and even the ones I put on myself. I have caused myself to remain coloring inside the same old lines, because I felt I was doing the best I could for myself.


I am sick and oh so very tired of trying to “fit in,” by being everything I think everybody else wants or needs me to be. Living a life to simply please other people just to not be alone is no longer worth it. I have found many people do this & it is a miserable life to live. When I am up in the middle of the night & can’t sleep, or I’m crying for hours, self harming, in the hospital, just overall NOT OKAY. Not one of those people who I tried, for so long to “keep my color inside the lines for” is anywhere to be found. So the question is why have I/we been wasting time on people who simply want us to conform to who and what they feel we should be ? WHAT ?


I could just scream today because I am sick of others telling me who or what I am or who or what I should be.


You are sensitive, Don’t be so weak, You are lazy, it’s so hard to be your friend, dealing with you and with your mental illness is too much, I don’t love you, I am not willing/capable to give you what you want/need, (Mental Illness), “Oh I can’t relate.” I will NEVER be able to understand mental illness, or those times where I tried to open up about my mental illness symptoms and I was literally ignored or the subject was changed …………


You know what I am so ashamed of myself, the same people who said those things 👆🏽(Up there)to me I tried to convince them why I was worth it their time. I tried to convince them how I could be who they wanted me to be. I attempted to convince why they should stay in my life and be my friend, associate, and sadly even my husband and ultimately I tried to convinced them why I was worth being in their life.


Me convincing them and conforming (keeping my coloring in the lines) to who or what I they wanted me to be worked, for a while. But then they ended up feeling exactly what they had said to me initially and they ended up leaving my life in one way or another. Whether I cut them off because I found out the relationship was unhealthy for my mental health or some other reason.


Looking back on it, it honestly seems like all of those relationships negatively affected my well-being and mental health, and as painful as it has been to have my life fall apart friends gone, x hub gone. I was tired of coloring in the lines.


I have grown tired of being what I everyone else wants me to be, so now I will live my life being who I feel God wants me, sticking to my morals, and being honest about my mental health. No more hiding, no more convincing people why I’m a diamond in the rough (like my mom says) if you can’t see it then you must not belong in my life.


I am making a commitment to myself, no more coloring in the lines aka conforming to what/who others tell me they want me to be. I’m not perfect and I have many flaws but no one,not me, not you should be changing themselves just to have friends, a bf,gf, husband,wife,etc because it’s not worth it and it’s exhausting.


Don’t hide yourself, your mental illness symptoms, your self harm scars, your tears, your anxiety, those are what make you, you. and something’s are out of our control. We must cope & surround ourselves with people who we don’t have to hide our imperfections from and say we are okay when NOTHING’S OKAY.


Surround yourself with people that love you despite your flaws and imperfections. Surround yourself with people who won’t call you names, who won’t make jokes about mental illness or treat you differently once they find out you have mental illness, or make you feel unwanted, unloved and like a burden, or look down on you for the self harm scars on your legs/arms/etc


Surround yourself with people who will love you with no boundaries & who will love you for you because you are worth it and so am I.❤️😘


 

Inspire.Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.

* I don’t own this photo.*

Grounding Technique.

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Grounding techniques can be such an amazing coping tool to pull out of your toolbox to help you fight back against your mentalilness symptoms.


Honestly, I started learning about grounding techniques earlier this year (2017)(if I am remembering correctly) and they have helped me at school, during heated arguments, during emotion overload, during moments when I am so anxious I’m shaking, or I feel like I may pass out or just screammmmm, and even during moments I am contemplating self-harming.


Grounding techniques help me to jump back into what is going on around me so that I am able to, get out of my head, out of my thoughts, out of my misery, and it really helps just put me back into reality. It diverts my attention to the here and now. Specifically, what has worked for me is during these times of extreme stress when I am experiencing mental illness symptoms I immediately start touching something (ex. a wall, a table,a shelf,etc) then I began explaining the texture, color, shape to myself either out loud or in my head. During this time I am also making sure I am breathing (I tend to hold my breath & not breathe when I am in pain, anxious, angry, scared,etc). I continue touching different objects around me and explaining them to myself until I am back at a 0 with my anxiety,anger,etc ,and I am able to effectively function.


I know that the way I explained it may sound “easy peezy,” but let me be the first to tell you there is nothing easy about this. In those moments it’s hard to ground yourself( at least it has been for me). So much seems to be going on in those moments and it’s difficult to get yourself grounded.


I think as human beings we all get overwhelmed in one way or another with things going on in our lives and knowing what techniques work for you during those very stressful moments can help your mental health and your overall well-being. So find out what techniques and other coping skills work for you to help you manage your stress or mental health symptoms. I am still learning what works for me. The path to recovery & wellness is a long and hard journey and tools like this help to make it that much easier for me to use healthy ways to handle stressors. ❤


Also if you are looking for some easy to do coping activities check out the pop up subscription box, subscribe and I will send you a free video guide on some very easy to do coping activities!


breathe


 *I do not own photos*

Inspire. Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.

Damage and Broken…..Do these words really describe me?

Come on let’s be real, when dealing with having mental illness day in and day out it is not EASY to be excited and tell yourself you’re healing, rediscovering yourself, or starting over because some days it just doesn’t feel like that at all.


It feels like you are drowning in both emotion and misery, and they both consume you. At this point you feel damaged and you feel broken. These feelings are painful. I have experienced this time and time again over the last few years of my life and even before then.


But every time I overcame these days and bounced back out of my bipolar depression, I looked back like thank God I didn’t give up that day that misery and pain consumed me, because if I did I wouldn’t have got to experience the good moments that I do have.


Things are so much more difficult than just telling a person with mental health issues to “stay positive,” it’s not that simple and honestly it is annoying hearing this. Like I am struggling enough and trying not to drown and here you come telling me to just stay positive…. 😞 If it were that easy, don’t you think I would snap my fingers and just be staying positive all the time ?I’m doing the best I possibly can as I gain knowledge about my mental illnesses, God’s purpose for my life, exploring different coping skills,etc.


Despite I am dealing with some sadness and fatigue today, and I may not be able to honestly tell myself I am healing, rediscovering myself and starting over I do have something to tell myself. The best thing I can tell myself is today I’m choosing to LIVE. No self harm, no contemplating dieing and I will be avoiding triggers to the best of my ability, and using my time to do some much-needed self-care & writing.


Today I sincerely hope that if you are struggling with mental illness you can stand beside me 👫👭👬in the fight against mental illness and choose to LIVE today too. •

Together WE can overcome. 💚


Inspire. Motivate. Love ~Natasha M.

Call her Lil 🐾 😯🌸

Happy Sunday everyone ! How has your weekend been? Mine has been filled with finishing up christmas shopping, snapchatting a ton, catching up with my  high school bestie, and today I will be packing for my trip, me and Lil leave tomorrow.


Can I get a drum 🥁 roll please……

I would like to introduce you all to my support animal, you can call her “Lil” for short.

img_0092I look at my baby 🐾 and wonder, how did I ever live with these illnesses without her ?


Believe me she doesn’t cure my mental illnesses, but her being here in my life really makes me feel not so alone during those low times. Lately, those times have seemed to be more and more frequent, and some days it’s hard to function. But it is nice to have someone who doesn’t just stare at you blankly (like I’ve had loved ones do)when you’re crying & falling apart, instead she climbs into my lap or lays close to me as if signaling me that everything is going to be okay. I catch myself being so thankful to wake up and see her little beautiful face looking up at me waiting for me to feed her, waiting for me to take her for a walk, play fetch with her, or do more training.


On the days it feels impossible to get out of bed, impossible to go to class, impossible to eat, impossible not to isolate from people, impossible to leave the house,impossible to do anything but have urges to self – harm or contemplate ways to take my own life , she has helped me SNAP BACK into reality and out of my own thoughts. Caring for her has made me more present when it comes to caring for myself. (Ex. making sure I eat, exercise, etc)


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I never knew how much a support animal would benefit me. Also, I never realized how smart a 7 month old pup (as of yesterday) would be, and how quick she catches on to training. She does and knows so much and her training has just began. Little does she know she has a happy, fun & meaningful life & job ahead of her and I am so blessed to have her as a part of my life.


Let’s be real, Lil is awesome, but life is life, nothing is perfect. The most stressful thing about having her is currently not being able to take her on campus with me, due to my school’s policy on ESA dogs,cats,etc.  Usually other places (stores,etc) have been really open about letting her be with me all the time.  Something that scares me is I’ve noticed I am becoming more attached to her. I even noticed myself getting anxiety when I had to leave and be away from her the other day. I have only had her for a month as of tomorrow, and she is already trained on basic commands, fetch, plus other things that help me, and she will continue training because I want her to get certified as an official service dog in the future. She has been such a breath of fresh air in my life ! She makes me laugh and she annoys me at some moments, but honestly I couldn’t imagine things any other way. My life would be more empty, lonely, and stressful without her !


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I think a really important thing is, finding what works for you in your life. Ask yourself and your doctor what will benefit you the most at this point in your treatment/recovery and go from there. Originally I did have some fear when  I first started looking into getting an ESA after my doctors agreed it would  benefit me. I thought, it might be more stress than benefit. My thoughts were, I barely can effectively take care of myself, how will I take care of an ESA ? Despite those thoughts I went with my gut and I went looking and ended up finding Lil, and I don’t regret my decision one bit. I take care of her and she takes care of me !


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❤  THANK YOU so much to my amazing doctors and therapists who care about my well-being and who want to see me LIVE & cope in healthy ways with my mental illnesses ! ❤


And on the other hand to all the people who have called me “weak”  or exiled me from their “friend groups” due to my conditions, or made me feel like I was an outcast, a nothing, unwanted,unloved, a burden, and disgusting, etc just know that your negativity is unneeded & despite everything you have said, done, made me feel, and the things you may continue to TRY TO DO TO  tear me down……….I WILL OVERCOME.


Inspire. Motivate. Love Natasha M.

Donate Your Love.

img_0218-e1511984999790.jpgThrough the last 4 going on 5 years of my difficult, dreadful, and stressful struggle with diagnosed mental illness, I have found that being transparent with your loved ones with either get you exiled from your family or will push your family to surround and support you with love  ❤ when you need it most.


I wasn’t always transparent when I was first diagnosed. I hid away from everyone, I would go through periods of time where I blocked my siblings from calling me, I I would always be triggered from things my parents would say, and they had no idea what was going on, I shut everyone out due to being ashamed, due to feeling like no one would understand, I felt alone, empty, and isolated simply putting a mask on being the person I thought they needed me to be. I felt like my immediate family mainly my parents would not accept me if they knew I was “mentally” ill, especially if they found out about my self harm habits I originally picked up at age 14. I was afraid they would “label” me as “crazy” and tell me I was demon possessed and try to throw a bible at me, or tell me to pray it away.


So I hid my symptoms from them the best I could. When distance is present things become easier to hide. Things got harder to hide once I was hospitalized for the first time in 2015, and from there I believe my family began to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and ask questions to one another like what’s going on with Tash. I am sure even earlier than 2015 my parents knew something was going on, but couldn’t get through to me because I refused to let them. I didn’t want to be treated like a victim. I didn’t want a pity party or people feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want to disappoint. I wanted to continue putting my mask on I had worn for years and to continue being who I thought they wanted me to be.


If I recall correctly earlier this year (2017), I got fed up with hiding parts of myself from the people who I needed support and love from. I got tired of hiding myself from the world 🌎. I got tired of saying I was okay and I wasn’t. I got tired of being someone I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy, everything wasn’t peachy. I was hurting. I was on the edge just waiting to fall………. So I finally came clean to my parents about my diagnoses and sent them articles to read about them from The National Institute of Mental Health or NIMH  for short. (Click on underlined word to check it out) At this time I started opening up to my siblings especially seeing as me and my sister have 2 of the same diagnoses. I got to a breaking point and I told myself either they will love me as I am or not at all.


To my surprise when I told my parents, yes they had questions, but I believe it was my mom who responded how can we help you ? How can we support you? My siblings followed suit and I’m sure my baby sister had a response and an attitude something like,  she couldn’t believe that me (the published author, college student, beautiful, perfect life having , ambitious young woman could have a mental illness just like her.) Little did my sister know, all those things are just TITLES and they didn’t define who I was as a person and they didn’t explain the pain I was in. When I received this response and I knew that even though I had dark days my family was going to stand behind me.


I was overwhelmed with joy at this time,and I could do nothing but remain speechless. At first I was a little hesitant to continue talking about mental health with my family. But little did I know once the door was opened a lot of truth came out, and we began to see how each of our mental health journey and lives were more similar than we thought. Time moved on I began to give my sister advice on different things that had and hadn’t worked for me living with mental illness. I continued sending articles and keeping my parents mainly my mom updated about the status of my mental health and my meds. It is at  a point where when I visit my family my mom asks me twice a day or so have I taken my meds. I roll my eyes like “yes mom,” knowing I am thankful she cared about me enough to ask.


Don’t get me wrong as blessed as I am to have such a wonderful family it is BY NO MEANS A WALK IN THE PARK. Sometimes I feel like a burden, especially when I call and wake my parents up at  2 a.m. , to tell my mom I am on my way to the hospital due to self harm, or when I argue with my brother in the family group text about suicide the bible, Jesus, and death, or when I tell my family I want to die and I confess to them having tried to kill myself by taking well over the amount of my meds I was prescribed, or the times I try to convince my mom that I am not worth loving and I tell her I am defective.


Believe me I am sure my family totally judges me, after all we are human beings before anything. But I know that they are there for me, even though I feel like a burden, I am sure they care about my well-being and for that I am beyond thankful….. most of the time.


Let me be honest it makes me so sad to have to be such a burden to my family when they have their own lives going on. I still find myself smiling when I feel empty in front of them. I find myself still kind of being ashamed of my self harm scars on my arm around them, I find myself still feeling alone when I know they are there. I find myself still contemplating death when I know it would make them upset if I took my own life. The life I didn’t give myself…….. I still find myself being so sad despite everything.


Though I/we may still have negative thoughts, we must realize how important it is to have a support system, and I am grateful for mine. I may have mental illness but I have more tools in my toolbox to fight back against it, and more tools/skills will be coming so WATCH OUT BIPOLAR, BPD, & PTSD I am COMING FOR YOU !



This blog post was actually inspired by a text I sent earlier this morning in my family group text. It included the picture you see above of me with my ❤ LOVE ❤ cup (my mom bought that for me for valentine’s day I think a few years back .) lol

The text I wrote said “Needing lots of love today!!!! Go ahead and donate your love and put it in the basket (basket emoji) ❤ you guys ! Call me soon mom and dad


Thanks to my amazing parents & siblings I love you all ! Also thanks for all the love you donated today & dad stop stealing pics of me for Facebook ! ❤ #dontstopbelieveinginme #Mentalhealthmatters #journeytowellness #letstalkabout mentalhealth


I have realized how important it is having those people who love and support you ! I want to be that support for others  whose family have yet to be open to understanding the pain & symptoms that come with having mental illness. My DM ‘s and e-mail is always open!

Together WE can Overcome !

When I

Inspire. Motivate. Love

~Natasha M.