Headphones in, Pencil in Hand, Notebook Ready….

I’ve been writing quite a bit lately, but I’ve posted none for my readers or subscribers. Sometimes I really do get lost in my notebook, and I just almost detach from the outside world. A good amount if not all of the material I have been writing lately will be included in my upcoming book.

 My upcoming book will contain some of the most heart wrenching and personal  moments I have experienced. 

Below you will find an excerpt from my UPCOMING BOOK : 

I  somehow convinced myself that things were different. Things had to be different, therefore the love I needed was also different. These statements are incorrect. My mind, body, and soul crave different. Different behavior patterns. Different outcomes.Different feelings. I just wanted different. I wanted different but for me things haven’t been different. I’ve covered and filled my emptiness and lack of belonging with a list of to do’s, I’ve covered it with laughter and smiles  that sometimes don’t even penetrate past the surface, to even begin to mend my broken  heart or fill the emptiness. If I take the meds and do everything I am supposed to do,then why does everything still feel the same ? Why has different fled from me? All I keep going through are the same symptoms and same feelings but all I want is different. I want change. But I have yet to get either. 

Release date coming soon !

All rights reserved. No part of the following writings may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the writer.

 

 

Birthday, Challenges, & Positivity !

So very thankful I have made it to see another birthday. This last year has been such a challenge for me, but despite that today I can say is going to be a good day for me! I am going to smile and have lots of laughs. I decided to make a birthday slideshow of the past two weeks with my mom while she was visiting ! I am looking forward to a wonderful year of helping others, publishing my new books, moving to start at a new school and just overall starting this next chapter in my life ! I pray that God guides me heart always ! Happy Birthday to me and happy Friday to everyone !!! Be blessed and remember God loves you!!!!

The Breakfast Club Talks About Mental Illness 

https://youtu.be/Jdtvi1khnQk

This show talks about a subject that I know all too well. I don’t even know where or how to start when it comes to talking about mental illness. I feel a lot of times, people like me who deal with mental illness are ashamed to even talk about the true pain and symptoms. For a long time I have been struggling in silence and hiding behind a smile, but I have decided enough is enough. I have began to be honest with my loved ones about the symptoms I have been suffering from. It has been a long journey.I hope this radio show (click on link above) helps to raise more awareness about mental illness and helps eliminate the stigmas.

Secrets Buried…

One of the pieces I have been working on is a blog titled Secrets Buried. This blog is one that I have been iffy about even publishing on my blog. I think I decided to write about such a challenging topic because I wanted to make sense of it in my mind and I figured I have nothing to lose. It’s my blog, my words and it’s part of my story. This was hard to write and even harder to post.

The thought of you sickens me, I know it’s wrong to dislike people, but let me be the first to say I dislike your actions. I dislike you not because of the person you are, but because of decision you chose to make. The decision to hurt me. What you did some say is unforgivable. I say it’s life. People you trust, hurt you. Family hurts you. Friends hurt you, seems to be such a normal occurrence now a days. I can’t believe it’s been 6 years. You are part of the reason my trust was crushed and why I had the worse last two weeks of high school ever. I remember how broken, violated, and confused I felt. It seemed the support I wanted the most, blamed me for what had happened. My view of men became blurry, like I wasn’t sure who to trust or if I should have faith in guys, of if I just needed to be on my guard. More than anything, confusion overwhelmed me. I don’t  remember talking about what happened too much with anyone. Time just moved on and my heart was still shattered, and deep down I became more bitter and I began to deeply despise the place I called “home.” I remember attending therapy a while back, and writing you a long letter, but after I sent it I ensured you didn’t have a way to write me back. I couldn’t bare the thought that you might actually try to write back and explain your actions. At the time I thought that was the only closure I needed, I thought the rest of the hurt would fade away overtime, but it didn’t. I remember how you lied to everyone and how your relatives even tried to hurt me. I remember how you denied everything and tried to get people to lie and side with you. I don’t know if me writing this means I don’t forgive you. I want to. Me writing this allows me to get it on “paper,” out of my head. Though I am sure it will never make sense to me what you did no matter how many times I write, I cry, or pray, and that’s okay God is working it out. Every time I write about this I feel more free, and even on my bad days I won’t let your choices hurt me more than they already have. It hurts, it breaks my heart, it disgusts me, and most of all it disappointments me. I realize though the more time that goes by and the more I heal, it all seems like a distant memory I wish I could just forget……

Signed,

Secrets Unburied

 

You Think You Know Me?

You have no idea who I am. You have no idea what goes on inside my mind. None. I am everything you overlook. I am everything you wish didn’t exist. I am everything you can’t fix. 

You don’t care about me all you care about is what you see and who you want me to be. No flaws, no mistakes, no mess ups . Everything seems sugar coated in my favor. I don’t want it. I am all of that and more I am heavily flawed, and always messing up and making mistakes.

See me …. stop ignoring the parts of me that are the most broken.

I have felt more alone in the last two weeks than I can remember feeling in my entire life. I have began to feel numb to the world around me. Everything just feels like it’s happening and I’m just existing in a world I don’t belong in.

You have no idea who I am. You have no idea what goes on inside my mind. None. I am everything you overlook. I am everything you wish didn’t exist. I am everything you can’t fix.  

Signed, 

All I want is for the pain to stop.

Back To Reality…..

Every once in a while it’s like I need a jolt back into reality and at that point I’m already way past gone . I’m usually so far in my mind I’m losing grip of the world around me . It’s like every once in a while I need a break from living or existing , a break to just catch up with the world and do and be everything I’m supposed to be plus everything positive every one else expects me to be. The day that my mind permanently catches up with my body will be the day I get true closure.

Burning House (Cover)

https://www.smule.com/p/580662604_1071491690

I like this song a lot, and I’ve been wanting to do a cover on it, so I did the cover of this song on the Smule app. I am hoping to do a cover of it on my YouTube channel soon!

*Side Note : I didn’t like how in the karaoke version of this song on some of the chorus parts there are like back up singers singing, but overall it’s an awesome karaoke and the Smule app is super fun especially if you love to sing !