I Wait For Your Voice.

I wait for your voice but all I can hear is all the voices around me saying do this, do that, say this, say that, be this, be that. I want to only hear your voice, I want to know where you want me to go, what you want me to do, who you want me to be, I want to know you Lord. So I wait for your voice but all I keep hearing is the noise of sirens, of cries, of yelling, of war, of heart break, but I will wait, I wait for your voice but now all I can hear is my own voice accompanied by my thoughts screaming, you’re not enough, you’re never going to be in the right place, you’re never going to be complete, you’re never going to be healed, you’re never going to be unbroken, you’re never going to reach your full potential, and you’re going in the wrong direction. My voice says turn right, no turn left, no go straight, no go back, no just stand still but through all of this I wait. I wait for your voice because all I want to know is where you want me to go, what you want me to do, and who you want me to be. I want to know you Lord. So I will learn to be still,I will learn to block out the noises, and the voices of the world, I will learn to challenge and block out the self doubting thoughts. I will block out the do this, do that, say this, say that, be this, be that. I want to only hear your voice, I want to know where you want me to go Lord, what you want me to do and who you want me to be. I want to know you Lord, so I will wait for your voice.

Trust in the Lord God with all your heart.
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Letters from……

I can’t for the life of me understand why it has become so hard to open your letters. Truth be told they have become a flashback for me. I have to be in a good space mentally when I read them, but lately I have felt the opposite. I miss you and I can’t stand myself for not being able to open your letters anymore.It has felt like opening them has become more sad than ever before. I think I am just fearful of the contents of the letters, how many times can we actually say I’m sorry to one another, How much can I really say to you without you worrying too much about me and my well-being? I look at your letters and wish I could tell you everything, I wish it could be like it used to be, I wish things were different for you. I wish I could tell you I still love you and I always will be there for you. I wish I could tell you I’m not ignoring you and I’m not avoiding.I wish I could explain all these things but I can’t, at least not right now. Let me tell you things weren’t the same when you left. It was sad, we were close, you looked out for me and I did the same for you. I can honestly say I am sure I seen the good in you . For a long time it was really hard to even write you letters. I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it and a lot of the time I still don’t. No excuse, I just became selfish and self-absorbed only worrying about myself and my life. How could I right? I ask myself the same question, just know I never forgot you. Your letters gave me hope for things we don’t control. Your letters were just the right amount of funny and serious. You letters made me both smile and cry. Your letters  began putting all the pieces back together again for me.Your letters acknowledged the truth, put things into perspective and reminded me how talented a writer you are. I just want you to know through everything I forgive you not because you said the words I am sorry, but because love never fails, and in order for me to grow as a follower of God, I must forgive. I keep replaying all the good memories of you, all those times you stood up for me, all those times we argued (funny now but not at the time) over simple things. I remember how selfless you were in making decisions but I also remember how silly you were, and how much you felt you had to prove to yourself and people. I am sitting here cracking up with tears in my eyes writing this.There are so many things I want to say, but the main thing I want to say is thank you for all those times you listened to me. Now it’s my time to listen to you and open your letters.