Guess What?

Hello Lovelies & Happy Friday !!!! TGIF right ? What does everyone have planned for the weekend? I hope it’s something where you all can relax and decompress from a long week !


I think my 1st plan for this Friday morning is to take Lil (my pup) to starbucks with me to get a plain coffee with soy milk in it ! I simply have to find the energy to get up and do that though. 😅 Please keep me in your prayers. I am still tired, I went to bed superrrr late.


I also want to start on my 2nd book I am reading for the month but I have yet to do so. But I have been reading a new book titled Silence in the ibooks library that I find pretty interesting and scary because it deals with abuse and that kind of thing is so hard for me to read about due to things i’ve personally experienced. But the way the author tells the story so far is filled its plenty of detail and it explains how every action has a reaction. I really am starting to like reading non fiction better than fiction….. humm idk I’ll probably change my mind once I dive into another book!!! 📖 As corny as it may sound, reading is magical…. at least with some books….


To me this week has felt a bit longgggggggg as if it was dragging by! But thank God I got through it and I was blessed in various ways during this week and for that I can’t complain!


I also have a GREAT ANNOUNCEMENT for all of my awesome people who have been asking me about the paperback version of Colorless Love (—- CLICK ON TITLE for more info on purchasing your copy TODAY) and when it will be available for PURCHASE……..


WELP!!!! Guess what? You’ve guessed it the paperback version of Colorless Love along with the e-book is now available on Amazon! Happy reading & thank you for your support, patience, and feedback!

If you have already read the book, be sure to take time and leave me some feedback ! I love hearing from you all ! ❤️

Inspire.Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.
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Let me Just Say This….

psychadelic_headHello Hello my lovely subscribers ! I want to first start off by saying how sorry that I have been so neglectful when it comes to blogging lately. Let me tell you what has been up with m and what exactly i’ve been working on!


The last month of  my life has been hectic, eye-opening, and stressful. I was with my family on the other side of the country, I got my hair all shaved off, I was still finishing up work from my fall classes due to special circumstances, not to mention I just finished & published my 2nd book titled Colorless Love (NOW ON AMAZON)(CLICK TITLE TO PURCHASE YOUR COPY TODAY), and last but not least I am working on my memoir along with my “pitch deck” trying to decide if I am going to compete in a competition with my memoir in a few weeks at my school. As you can see I have been staying pretty busy I was spending lots of time with my family along with working and having more than 1 late night ! On top of all this I have also been dealing with various mental illness symptoms, which has been difficult at some moments but I made it through. The more I accept myself the easier it will become to cope, I hope…….


Lately, I have noticed myself vlogging quite a bit and posting it on my youtube page along with singing on my karaoke applications on my phone!  I think it’s the fact that I have been trying to find healthy ways to express myself, distract myself, that I have been so concentrated on vlogging and singing! They have been pretty good stress relievers honestly. Below you will find the vlogging series I have been working on!


 

 

PART III is now uploaded on my YOUTUBE CHANNEL

(CLICK ON NAME –) :Words Ar3 Art    


Side Note:  Part III of this series is my favorite vlog so far , because how vulnerable and honest I am about how events in my life have affected the way I view myself and how I answer the question what is beauty to me. So be sure to check it out ! Also be sure to check out some of my fun 50 second to 1 minute fun singing videos ! ❤ (most of them are acapella, because why not)


Thanks for reading everyone ! ❤ Happy Friday !!!


 

*I do not own the 1st photo above.


 

 

Inspire. Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.

Drawing New Lines.

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I didn’t draw new lines because I wanted to break rules and go against everything I once believed in. I am deciding to draw new lines in my life because I am sick and tired of trying to fit (my colors) who I am into the “lines” aka expectations I felt others put on me, and even the ones I put on myself. I have caused myself to remain coloring inside the same old lines, because I felt I was doing the best I could for myself.


I am sick and oh so very tired of trying to “fit in,” by being everything I think everybody else wants or needs me to be. Living a life to simply please other people just to not be alone is no longer worth it. I have found many people do this & it is a miserable life to live. When I am up in the middle of the night & can’t sleep, or I’m crying for hours, self harming, in the hospital, just overall NOT OKAY. Not one of those people who I tried, for so long to “keep my color inside the lines for” is anywhere to be found. So the question is why have I/we been wasting time on people who simply want us to conform to who and what they feel we should be ? WHAT ?


I could just scream today because I am sick of others telling me who or what I am or who or what I should be.


You are sensitive, Don’t be so weak, You are lazy, it’s so hard to be your friend, dealing with you and with your mental illness is too much, I don’t love you, I am not willing/capable to give you what you want/need, (Mental Illness), “Oh I can’t relate.” I will NEVER be able to understand mental illness, or those times where I tried to open up about my mental illness symptoms and I was literally ignored or the subject was changed …………


You know what I am so ashamed of myself, the same people who said those things 👆🏽(Up there)to me I tried to convince them why I was worth it their time. I tried to convince them how I could be who they wanted me to be. I attempted to convince why they should stay in my life and be my friend, associate, and sadly even my husband and ultimately I tried to convinced them why I was worth being in their life.


Me convincing them and conforming (keeping my coloring in the lines) to who or what I they wanted me to be worked, for a while. But then they ended up feeling exactly what they had said to me initially and they ended up leaving my life in one way or another. Whether I cut them off because I found out the relationship was unhealthy for my mental health or some other reason.


Looking back on it, it honestly seems like all of those relationships negatively affected my well-being and mental health, and as painful as it has been to have my life fall apart friends gone, x hub gone. I was tired of coloring in the lines.


I have grown tired of being what I everyone else wants me to be, so now I will live my life being who I feel God wants me, sticking to my morals, and being honest about my mental health. No more hiding, no more convincing people why I’m a diamond in the rough (like my mom says) if you can’t see it then you must not belong in my life.


I am making a commitment to myself, no more coloring in the lines aka conforming to what/who others tell me they want me to be. I’m not perfect and I have many flaws but no one,not me, not you should be changing themselves just to have friends, a bf,gf, husband,wife,etc because it’s not worth it and it’s exhausting.


Don’t hide yourself, your mental illness symptoms, your self harm scars, your tears, your anxiety, those are what make you, you. and something’s are out of our control. We must cope & surround ourselves with people who we don’t have to hide our imperfections from and say we are okay when NOTHING’S OKAY.


Surround yourself with people that love you despite your flaws and imperfections. Surround yourself with people who won’t call you names, who won’t make jokes about mental illness or treat you differently once they find out you have mental illness, or make you feel unwanted, unloved and like a burden, or look down on you for the self harm scars on your legs/arms/etc


Surround yourself with people who will love you with no boundaries & who will love you for you because you are worth it and so am I.❤️😘


 

Inspire.Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.

* I don’t own this photo.*

Damage and Broken…..Do these words really describe me?

Come on let’s be real, when dealing with having mental illness day in and day out it is not EASY to be excited and tell yourself you’re healing, rediscovering yourself, or starting over because some days it just doesn’t feel like that at all.


It feels like you are drowning in both emotion and misery, and they both consume you. At this point you feel damaged and you feel broken. These feelings are painful. I have experienced this time and time again over the last few years of my life and even before then.


But every time I overcame these days and bounced back out of my bipolar depression, I looked back like thank God I didn’t give up that day that misery and pain consumed me, because if I did I wouldn’t have got to experience the good moments that I do have.


Things are so much more difficult than just telling a person with mental health issues to “stay positive,” it’s not that simple and honestly it is annoying hearing this. Like I am struggling enough and trying not to drown and here you come telling me to just stay positive…. 😞 If it were that easy, don’t you think I would snap my fingers and just be staying positive all the time ?I’m doing the best I possibly can as I gain knowledge about my mental illnesses, God’s purpose for my life, exploring different coping skills,etc.


Despite I am dealing with some sadness and fatigue today, and I may not be able to honestly tell myself I am healing, rediscovering myself and starting over I do have something to tell myself. The best thing I can tell myself is today I’m choosing to LIVE. No self harm, no contemplating dieing and I will be avoiding triggers to the best of my ability, and using my time to do some much-needed self-care & writing.


Today I sincerely hope that if you are struggling with mental illness you can stand beside me 👫👭👬in the fight against mental illness and choose to LIVE today too. •

Together WE can overcome. 💚


Inspire. Motivate. Love ~Natasha M.

Donate Your Love.

img_0218-e1511984999790.jpgThrough the last 4 going on 5 years of my difficult, dreadful, and stressful struggle with diagnosed mental illness, I have found that being transparent with your loved ones with either get you exiled from your family or will push your family to surround and support you with love  ❤ when you need it most.


I wasn’t always transparent when I was first diagnosed. I hid away from everyone, I would go through periods of time where I blocked my siblings from calling me, I I would always be triggered from things my parents would say, and they had no idea what was going on, I shut everyone out due to being ashamed, due to feeling like no one would understand, I felt alone, empty, and isolated simply putting a mask on being the person I thought they needed me to be. I felt like my immediate family mainly my parents would not accept me if they knew I was “mentally” ill, especially if they found out about my self harm habits I originally picked up at age 14. I was afraid they would “label” me as “crazy” and tell me I was demon possessed and try to throw a bible at me, or tell me to pray it away.


So I hid my symptoms from them the best I could. When distance is present things become easier to hide. Things got harder to hide once I was hospitalized for the first time in 2015, and from there I believe my family began to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and ask questions to one another like what’s going on with Tash. I am sure even earlier than 2015 my parents knew something was going on, but couldn’t get through to me because I refused to let them. I didn’t want to be treated like a victim. I didn’t want a pity party or people feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want to disappoint. I wanted to continue putting my mask on I had worn for years and to continue being who I thought they wanted me to be.


If I recall correctly earlier this year (2017), I got fed up with hiding parts of myself from the people who I needed support and love from. I got tired of hiding myself from the world 🌎. I got tired of saying I was okay and I wasn’t. I got tired of being someone I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy, everything wasn’t peachy. I was hurting. I was on the edge just waiting to fall………. So I finally came clean to my parents about my diagnoses and sent them articles to read about them from The National Institute of Mental Health or NIMH  for short. (Click on underlined word to check it out) At this time I started opening up to my siblings especially seeing as me and my sister have 2 of the same diagnoses. I got to a breaking point and I told myself either they will love me as I am or not at all.


To my surprise when I told my parents, yes they had questions, but I believe it was my mom who responded how can we help you ? How can we support you? My siblings followed suit and I’m sure my baby sister had a response and an attitude something like,  she couldn’t believe that me (the published author, college student, beautiful, perfect life having , ambitious young woman could have a mental illness just like her.) Little did my sister know, all those things are just TITLES and they didn’t define who I was as a person and they didn’t explain the pain I was in. When I received this response and I knew that even though I had dark days my family was going to stand behind me.


I was overwhelmed with joy at this time,and I could do nothing but remain speechless. At first I was a little hesitant to continue talking about mental health with my family. But little did I know once the door was opened a lot of truth came out, and we began to see how each of our mental health journey and lives were more similar than we thought. Time moved on I began to give my sister advice on different things that had and hadn’t worked for me living with mental illness. I continued sending articles and keeping my parents mainly my mom updated about the status of my mental health and my meds. It is at  a point where when I visit my family my mom asks me twice a day or so have I taken my meds. I roll my eyes like “yes mom,” knowing I am thankful she cared about me enough to ask.


Don’t get me wrong as blessed as I am to have such a wonderful family it is BY NO MEANS A WALK IN THE PARK. Sometimes I feel like a burden, especially when I call and wake my parents up at  2 a.m. , to tell my mom I am on my way to the hospital due to self harm, or when I argue with my brother in the family group text about suicide the bible, Jesus, and death, or when I tell my family I want to die and I confess to them having tried to kill myself by taking well over the amount of my meds I was prescribed, or the times I try to convince my mom that I am not worth loving and I tell her I am defective.


Believe me I am sure my family totally judges me, after all we are human beings before anything. But I know that they are there for me, even though I feel like a burden, I am sure they care about my well-being and for that I am beyond thankful….. most of the time.


Let me be honest it makes me so sad to have to be such a burden to my family when they have their own lives going on. I still find myself smiling when I feel empty in front of them. I find myself still kind of being ashamed of my self harm scars on my arm around them, I find myself still feeling alone when I know they are there. I find myself still contemplating death when I know it would make them upset if I took my own life. The life I didn’t give myself…….. I still find myself being so sad despite everything.


Though I/we may still have negative thoughts, we must realize how important it is to have a support system, and I am grateful for mine. I may have mental illness but I have more tools in my toolbox to fight back against it, and more tools/skills will be coming so WATCH OUT BIPOLAR, BPD, & PTSD I am COMING FOR YOU !



This blog post was actually inspired by a text I sent earlier this morning in my family group text. It included the picture you see above of me with my ❤ LOVE ❤ cup (my mom bought that for me for valentine’s day I think a few years back .) lol

The text I wrote said “Needing lots of love today!!!! Go ahead and donate your love and put it in the basket (basket emoji) ❤ you guys ! Call me soon mom and dad


Thanks to my amazing parents & siblings I love you all ! Also thanks for all the love you donated today & dad stop stealing pics of me for Facebook ! ❤ #dontstopbelieveinginme #Mentalhealthmatters #journeytowellness #letstalkabout mentalhealth


I have realized how important it is having those people who love and support you ! I want to be that support for others  whose family have yet to be open to understanding the pain & symptoms that come with having mental illness. My DM ‘s and e-mail is always open!

Together WE can Overcome !

When I

Inspire. Motivate. Love

~Natasha M.

What Defines You?

 A question I have always hated. The reason I’ve probably disliked it so much is because I never really knew the answer and I still don’t. I think I know what I want to define me…..


I have been so bogged down by can’t do and won’t dos I have lost sight of all the can do’s and all the things I have accomplished. It seems so easy to hold on to the negative aspects of our lives and let those things define us, especially if we feel guilty about those events.


Let’s be honest here, I have become so consumed with my failures and fear of failures it has began to overshadow my judgement. It has began to define me and that’s because I let it.


Last night as I sat catching up on school work, I came across a Ted Talks that blew my mind ( Link Below). Lizzie said everything in the video I needed to hear in just that moment. This is by far one of the BEST and most INSPIRATIONAL videos I’ve had the pleasure of watching !


I feel like I should rewatch it because you know what sometimes I just need someone who is going through a storm in their life too constantly just like me to make me question myself. Like what have I been doing? Fading away in misery ….. not caring about what happens to me or my life. Being silent. Being afraid to be myself…. Being afraid to be around people.  OMG I’ve put myself into a box and honestly I can’t get out of it.

Why have I stuck myself here? Why has anxiety, BPD, Bipolar and my PTSD lead me here?


The truth of the matter is, I let it lead me here, I’ve given up on others their lack of understanding, my faith is fading, my heart is growing cold, I am without love, I am without patience, and worst of all I’ve somewhat given up on myself. I am bitter. I am angry for everything I am and for everything I have become.


Interesting thing is in the below video Lizzie says something she use to wish she could scrub her syndrome off, and then her life would be better. You know I wish I could scrub my mental illness off, especially on my worse days. I wish I could wake up and not feel this anymore. I wish I could stop taking the meds. I wish it all would just stop……


But while I may have mental illness I do have some common sense, I know that’s not the way life works and it will never work that way.

I may be wrong but I believe a big difference between me and Lizzie is the fact I haven’t quite conquered the action of acceptance. I don’t know how. Is it me saying? I’m ill and that’s okay. I can’t say that, I can’t believe that. It’s not okay, the sadness hurts, I don’t like being like this……..  and it hasn’t been okay for a long time. On the other hand Lizzie has accepted her syndrome, and has learned to look at the positives aspects of it like you will see in the video below!


It is time for a new perspective because the way I am seeing things now is only distorting my view and hurting me more by worsening my conditions.


People like Lizzie, are so brave and courageous, and it melts my heart because I aspire to be more like her, and accept and overcome my illness. Though me and Lizzie deal with different types of “illnesses,” I connected so much with what she said. Her words, honesty, and willingness to share her journey had me in tears ! Make sure you watch this & be inspired ! ❤

“You-are-the-one-that-decides-what-1024x512
Be sure to share! ❤

Inspire.Motivate. Love
~Natasha R. Minier