As I sat there in my chair, feet on the floor hands sitting on my lap, I began to look around and let me mind wander as the preacher spoke. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or what exactly was said but suddenly I felt guilt overwhelm my body. I began to reflect on my life and think about how and if my actions within the last week and in general honored God. I began to feel ashamed of myself as I thought back on my recent actions. I want God in my life. I want my complete existence, who I am and my actions to honor him and align with his word. I seek to know God but it’s as if I have been standing still and instead of embracing his love, grace, and mercy, I have been embracing my anxiety/fears, my illness and my broken heart. Embracing these have caused me to stop seeking God and instead become at a standstill. So many times we get so engrossed with the things of this world we lose sight of what’s really important. The thing I have failed to see while embracing these things is that God can heal every single one of them, but I have yet to lay it down at his feet.Instead i’ve been holding on to these three things with a death grip. Somewhere in all this mess I became convinced these things are what I was and in a way who I was. I was anxiety/fear, my illness and my broken heart. I realized I was taking my identity from these things and not letting God have them. Who would want to hold on to this type of pain right ? The thing is we all do it all the time, we think we can fix things or we can change things, but God has the last say in every situation. I recently wrote a prose titled doubt (that will be in my upcoming memoir, release date coming soon) and it explains my personal story of how I began to doubt God and if I would ever be healed and I just doubted what God could do in my life. I got to a point where I felt I didn’t deserve to be better , I believed I didn’t deserve to be okay and maybe this is where doubt began to creep into my heart. For me I am ashamed of my doubt and there is no excuse for it, but when you come to what you think is the end of your rope, one may begin to give up hope and that’s exactly what I did. If hopelessness consumes me I will remain at this standstill. All our journeys are different, and God has a plan for each one of us. Don’t remain at a standstill in your life holding on to failures, dissappointments, past events, etc. Seek God in all you are and in all you do. Give your burdens to him. Easier said than done, believe me I know that all too well. Just know that there is more past the standstill point.
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Have you ever heard the gesture “Love hurts”? Well let me be the one to tell you it is not just a saying, it really can hurt. We’ve all experienced some type of hurt in our lives and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. Personally, I love to write to make sense of things, and though this is not my usual style of writing poetry it was quite a journey to write this.
My heart bleeds not only from your misuse, abuse, and lies,but my heart bleeds because of all these broken family ties.
My heart bleeds not only from the pain but from all the losses not the gains.
My heart bleeds because I know you don’t love like I do. I know you don’t even see me that’s why I feel blue.
My heart bleeds because in your eyes I will never be enough, but I know I’m tough.
My heart bleeds because to you i’m invisible.
**Can you even see me? I’ve been here all along .Can you even hear me? You continually talk over me and ignore me when I do speak.
My heart bleeds because I don’t know you just like you don’t know me and we’re supposed to be family.
My heart bleeds time and time again because I continue to let you disappoint me .
Hoping for change. Praying for understanding that still hasn’t come.
While you sit and drink yourself to death with all the rum.
Or get lost in all the women, the men, the drugs, in the secrets, in the lies, in the circle of things that continue to break these family ties.
My heart bleeds because I am sick of all the hidden tears, hidden scars and hidden fears.
My heart bleeds so let’s cut it in two because even now, I still love you enough to give half of it to you.
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The word testimony has always made me nervous, even now. I always looked at it like some sort of magical thing, as if I could never have one because I’m so imperfect and I make mistakes and I slip up even as a christian. Feeling the heavy burden of being imperfect no matter what I did weighed on me a lot at one time. It weighed on me so much it even stopped me from sharing the good news about Jesus Christ dieing for our sins with others.
As I went to church last Sunday, I had no idea what was about to happen . The preacher starts preaching and he tells us it is going to be an interactive service so get out our notes. To make a long story short a testimony planning guide with blank spaces on it was our note sheet. The pastor then brought out his daughter who shared her testimony from her testimony planning guide. Throughout the service we had a certain amount of time to go through each section and fill out our testimony. I guess I thought it might be hard,but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. After we finished filling it out we were then challenged to go share our testimony with another person. Truth is, I was scared. Don’t get me wrong I love to talk to people, but I worried about being judged for what I had written as my testimony. I also felt as if I had no business sharing my testimony, because of my imperfections. Funny thing is after I shared my testimony I could see that woman shedding tears and she even asked to hug me. Of course I said “yes.” But I wondered why she was crying. After she shared her testimony with me about Jesus working in her life I understood.Our stories were similar and this was important to me because it helped me to further realize everyone has their own obstacles in life. Despite obstacles we all need Jesus and we have to realize despite obstacles Jesus loves us. Now, I want to share my testimony with you. I pray that my testimony leads others to God & inspires others to share their testimonies. (John3:16)
- I Was
My name is Natasha Minier and I grew up in Georgia. Before giving my heart to God, my life/heart was shattered.I believed I would be happy if I was successful enough to outrun the hurt I hid in the back of my brain and if I gave everyone else the love I longed for. For example, it wouldn’t be uncommon for me to be depressed, never feel like enough, and try to love away my hurt to try to fill the emptiness in my heart. After awhile, my behavior began to make me feel empty,hopeless,depressed,angry,moody, and that wasn’t working for me.
- Then Jesus
At this point in my life, my belief about God was if I was a better person then I would deserve his love. But it wasn’t until I realized doing things my way only left me more empty and confused and that Jesus loved me despite the fact I was imperfect and didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved by him. I finally decided that I wanted to receive Jesus as my savior, so when I was broken-hearted, hopeless, suffering from mental illness, feeling lost, and as low as I could get, I proceeded to accept Jesus Christ into my heart and accept and know he died for my sins. Afterwards, I didn’t view my understanding of life’s whys,loving away the hurt and success as my ultimate source of happiness anymore. I now know that the only way to finally receive joy and contentment is through putting God in the center of everything I do and making sure he is my foundation.
- Since Then
In my old life, before trusting God, I found comfort, identity, and fulfillment in trying to love away my hurt, being successful, trying to answer the hard why questions in life, and finding ways to avoid loving myself. After I received Jesus, the things I did with my time completely changed. Now I pray and seek God in all I do, I give thanks to God in both good and bad times, and I am working on spreading more love to others with my actions & words. My life has changed dramatically. Though I may still struggle with things, they’re getting better, and I’m different in so many ways, such as learning to trust God,seeking help to manage my mental illness,and finding ways to love myself better(though it’s extremely hard) and be who God has made me to be.
Encouragement For Others
Let me encourage you to trust God with your life. He has been so faithful to me and has never left me (he has always been there even before I was saved) but has always loved me and wanted the best for me and I know he will do the same with you.
Asking Jesus Into Your Life Is As Easy As A-B-C
Father, I Admit that I am a sinner and that my sin has brought death and destruction into my life, my relationships with people, and my relationship with God. Romans 3:23, 6:23
I Believe that Jesus died for my sins and that His death paid the penalty for my sins. Romans 5:8
I Confess or agree that Jesus is Lord, that He died and rose from the dead, and is able to forgive me of my sins. Romans 10:9-10
Jesus, I trust that You love me and can hear my prayer. By faith I ask You to please forgive me and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I surrender my life to You. I pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Thank you for reading, and remember God loves you more in one moment than a person could in a lifetime ! Comment below with your testimony.
Be Blessed !
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I started this blog because I have lost touch with my passion, which is writing.Writing has allowed me to express myself and put things in new perspectives. I like to write poems, papers, stories, etc. Funny thing is when I was a kid I even attempted to write songs. I guess I had to find a way to put words together to explain feelings, events, and the world around me,to an extent. Writing has been a means of escape for me during hard times and I have really grown to appreciate it. I am planning to pour love and awesomeness into all my posts! I hope you all enjoy. Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button !Be blessed always and remember God is a good good father who loves you more in one moment than anyone else could in a lifetime.
Nat Min 🙂
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