Struggle Becoming One’s Identity…

Struggle blogHey lovelies how is everyone? Happy Happy Monday.  UGH, I’ve missed blogging.  I’ve missed communicating with you all !:) When I don’t blog or allow myself time to write often I feel like something is missing, like a hole that I can’t fill by doing anything else. I feel as if I have no voice, no way to talk about my life, my obstacles, things I’m learning, and most importantly no way to connect with and help others or myself.


For the last few months, I have been dealing with deep despair. I’ve attempted suicide more than once, self-harmed, and depression and bipolar symptoms have plagued me so much that, some days I barely get out of bed to eat or brush my teeth. (GROSS RIGHT?) I finished the paperwork for my divorce, I started exploring new places, going on dates, trying to make new friends, trying to make light of a very dark situation. But with my habits, I usually end up pushing people away when I need them most just like I have done my family. Isolating has been my go to coping skill, which has made being alive worse. Let’s be honest, who likes to be lonely or alone in life, in general?


Funny thing is, I would say I am usually the one that will say “Don’t let your struggle become you identity,” but this time I have. This time, it’s me. I’m guilty. My struggle has enveloped me up and has become me. I might as well walk around with a sign that has my illnesses listed on it and introduce myself to people as my illnesses. This may sound ridiculous to some but this is how I feel. I tried to find and figure out who God made Natasha to be, but it seems my illnesses continue to overshadow who I want to be or who I feel God has made me to be, and therefore everyone around me no longer can see me.  They can no longer see Natasha. Goofy, humble, extroverted, corny, ambitious, fun-loving Natasha. Instead they see anger, isolation, mood-swings, sadness, self-harm wounds, and a unhappy and  unsatisfied person, among other things……When they look at me they see a disorder, something they want nothing to do with. Honestly, if I were them I would probably feel the same way. It is so much easier to walk away from something difficult than stay and figure the situation out.


Even though in some ways I feel my struggle has become my identity, I continue to ask myself where in the heck is my life going to go from here? And is there anyway for me to pick up the pieces of this mess I’ve created for myself?( I need God I know.) Through all this wandering, searching, and losing, I have been able to identify what it is I believe I lack along with thousands if not millions of other people lack also.


Lacking Love:

When you lack love for yourself, you will continue to feel not good enough, you will continue to let the little things people say and do traumatize you and make you question your own existence. When you lack love for yourself criticism tears you down to levels  you never knew existed in your mind. When you lack love for yourself your body means nothing, you simply want to feel pain or alleviate stress/chaos by harming your body in someway. When you lack love for yourself the blood dripping to the floor from your self-harm wounds mean nothing.  When you lack love for yourself, you try your hardest and you know you do but because other people say it’s not good enough you take their word for it. When you lack love for yourself, what people think about you affects what you think about yourself, until you truly began to love yourself. When you do begin to love yourself those same negative words and actions other people do to you began to roll off you like water. That emptiness that once ate you alive will begin to be filled with positive comments to yourself. You will began to believe you are loved, you will began to feed your body and view your situations & self as a whole with compassion. When you love yourself, in the back of your mind you know you’re good enough no matter what other people say.


So you know what take a second, take a moment  today and ask yourself  have you or someone you know let their struggle become their identity? If so how can you as a friend, Daughter,  Uncle, Coworker, Dad,etc reach out and help them? My final question is what will you do today to show yourself some love? ❤

Me, though it may seem simple today I am going to show myself some love by drinking some water and making sure I eat ! ❤


To My Subscribers/Readers :

I would like to say how deeply sorry I am to all of my readers for my lack of posting. I take writing very seriously but the more I go through periods of severe symptoms and discovery, the more I realize how much I neglect myself to give others what is left of me. If you are one of the people in the world that also does this, let me be the first to say this is an extremely UNHEALTHY way to live.  I have come to realize that if you neglect and don’t first love yourself and fulfill your own needs and wants, you will continue to feel emptiness, along with a feeling of deep emotional chaos and hurt, that words can’t describe.


As always thank you for reading ❤ Stay tuned for more honest, real, fun, encouraging and life changing blog posts ! 


Love you much!!!

Natasha M.

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Guess What?

Hello Lovelies & Happy Friday !!!! TGIF right ? What does everyone have planned for the weekend? I hope it’s something where you all can relax and decompress from a long week !


I think my 1st plan for this Friday morning is to take Lil (my pup) to starbucks with me to get a plain coffee with soy milk in it ! I simply have to find the energy to get up and do that though. 😅 Please keep me in your prayers. I am still tired, I went to bed superrrr late.


I also want to start on my 2nd book I am reading for the month but I have yet to do so. But I have been reading a new book titled Silence in the ibooks library that I find pretty interesting and scary because it deals with abuse and that kind of thing is so hard for me to read about due to things i’ve personally experienced. But the way the author tells the story so far is filled its plenty of detail and it explains how every action has a reaction. I really am starting to like reading non fiction better than fiction….. humm idk I’ll probably change my mind once I dive into another book!!! 📖 As corny as it may sound, reading is magical…. at least with some books….


To me this week has felt a bit longgggggggg as if it was dragging by! But thank God I got through it and I was blessed in various ways during this week and for that I can’t complain!


I also have a GREAT ANNOUNCEMENT for all of my awesome people who have been asking me about the paperback version of Colorless Love (—- CLICK ON TITLE for more info on purchasing your copy TODAY) and when it will be available for PURCHASE……..


WELP!!!! Guess what? You’ve guessed it the paperback version of Colorless Love along with the e-book is now available on Amazon! Happy reading & thank you for your support, patience, and feedback!

If you have already read the book, be sure to take time and leave me some feedback ! I love hearing from you all ! ❤️

Inspire.Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.

What Defines You?

 A question I have always hated. The reason I’ve probably disliked it so much is because I never really knew the answer and I still don’t. I think I know what I want to define me…..


I have been so bogged down by can’t do and won’t dos I have lost sight of all the can do’s and all the things I have accomplished. It seems so easy to hold on to the negative aspects of our lives and let those things define us, especially if we feel guilty about those events.


Let’s be honest here, I have become so consumed with my failures and fear of failures it has began to overshadow my judgement. It has began to define me and that’s because I let it.


Last night as I sat catching up on school work, I came across a Ted Talks that blew my mind ( Link Below). Lizzie said everything in the video I needed to hear in just that moment. This is by far one of the BEST and most INSPIRATIONAL videos I’ve had the pleasure of watching !


I feel like I should rewatch it because you know what sometimes I just need someone who is going through a storm in their life too constantly just like me to make me question myself. Like what have I been doing? Fading away in misery ….. not caring about what happens to me or my life. Being silent. Being afraid to be myself…. Being afraid to be around people.  OMG I’ve put myself into a box and honestly I can’t get out of it.

Why have I stuck myself here? Why has anxiety, BPD, Bipolar and my PTSD lead me here?


The truth of the matter is, I let it lead me here, I’ve given up on others their lack of understanding, my faith is fading, my heart is growing cold, I am without love, I am without patience, and worst of all I’ve somewhat given up on myself. I am bitter. I am angry for everything I am and for everything I have become.


Interesting thing is in the below video Lizzie says something she use to wish she could scrub her syndrome off, and then her life would be better. You know I wish I could scrub my mental illness off, especially on my worse days. I wish I could wake up and not feel this anymore. I wish I could stop taking the meds. I wish it all would just stop……


But while I may have mental illness I do have some common sense, I know that’s not the way life works and it will never work that way.

I may be wrong but I believe a big difference between me and Lizzie is the fact I haven’t quite conquered the action of acceptance. I don’t know how. Is it me saying? I’m ill and that’s okay. I can’t say that, I can’t believe that. It’s not okay, the sadness hurts, I don’t like being like this……..  and it hasn’t been okay for a long time. On the other hand Lizzie has accepted her syndrome, and has learned to look at the positives aspects of it like you will see in the video below!


It is time for a new perspective because the way I am seeing things now is only distorting my view and hurting me more by worsening my conditions.


People like Lizzie, are so brave and courageous, and it melts my heart because I aspire to be more like her, and accept and overcome my illness. Though me and Lizzie deal with different types of “illnesses,” I connected so much with what she said. Her words, honesty, and willingness to share her journey had me in tears ! Make sure you watch this & be inspired ! ❤

“You-are-the-one-that-decides-what-1024x512
Be sure to share! ❤

Inspire.Motivate. Love
~Natasha R. Minier

Mental Health Matters and This Is My Journey


I wake up some days and all I want to do is stay in bed or in one spot all day. My body wants one thing and my mind wants another. I feel down dealing with the depressive end of bipolar symptoms, I want to isolate from people, I don’t care about eating or doing self-care. I just want to stay in my misery and keep it to myself so I am not a burden to anyone else with my hopeless feelings or talk of how bad I feel.


So what right ? Everyone has their own battles to fight and I don’t want to make it seem like my issues with mental illness are more significant than anyone else’s problems. We all struggle and have battles to fight just in different ways and in different areas of our lives. Certain days my body says one thing and my mind says something else, and that was definitely the case today. My body felt tired but my mind started going and going. Days like today I can’t figure out where my body gets the energy or drive to go and just do, but I am thankful today was one of those days. As much as I wanted to just say blah, I didn’t. I was able to get up, clean a little bit, and exercise. I have/ am still learning to be grateful for those bright and beautiful moments like me having energy to do my makeup,straighten my hair, hang out with friends, go to class, brush my teeth, etc because I know when I experience escalated symptoms like I have been for the last few months and I feel lower than low these things seem like the hardest things ever to try to do.


I am so thankful that I was able to do some self-care not only for my physical well-being but also for my mental well-being . One moment at a time on the path to wellness, it hasn’t been a perfect journey thus far but it will be worth it. I am thankful for my victory today & I hope you take time to appreciate and acknowledge your victories too !


Inspire. Motivate. Love ~Natasha M.

Broken Arm and Depression.

true.


This is extremely sad and true. While it does seem people are more open to the “mental health” conversation now more than they probably were ten or even twenty years ago there still seems to be ALOT OF stigma.


This quote reminds me of a recent situation I experienced from another student at my school. I was treated differently once this student found out I had mental illness. The situation became so stressful I began to feel defective, like an outcast and a burden to the world.


But I wonder if I had a broken arm instead of mental illness would this student have discriminated against me still? Would they have said unnecessary things? Would they have been more empathetic? Would I have been singled out? Would things have been different ?


Sad to say but I am pretty sure they would have been different if I had a broken arm instead.
As much as these type of situations push us to want to repay evil for evil, we must NOT.


We must stick to our good morals & what we know is right despite how much pain we may feel. We must fight with good as hard as it may be.


I am so imperfect and I fought this battle with silence towards the individual that was doing the most discriminating. I fought with secret tears and rants to loved ones about what I did wrong and how I am so annoyed,angry, and stressed out I was over the whole situation. I also fought with hate, directed towards myself for being ill.  Keep in mind, I am no victim, so don’t get mistaken reading this. I don’t need or want a pity party, plenty of people deal with discrimination in even worse ways than I experienced it. This was just my first time I recall experiencing discrimination due to my mental illness, and it really sucked and was miserable. Discrimination is one thing when you can remove yourself immediately from the unhealthy situation, but it’s another thing when it’s day in and day out over a period of time.


I had to hear it over and over again from loved ones and friends that I was not the problem in the situation and still I didn’t believe it. The discrimination I was experiencing along with other stressors evoked a hate and despair in me I didn’t know existed. Hate, me? I love everyone, I thought. Everyone but MYSELF, I continuously wonder why have I hated myself for so long and why did this situation strengthen that hate. I believe it’s because I never thought I was good enough. From as far back as I can remember I seemed to always be messing up something, getting made fun of in school, or not meeting the expectations I set for myself.


As the situation continued at school, I thought to myself  if only I didn’t have mental illness I would have been treated better, I would have been accepted and there would have been no tension. Silly me, I knew deep down this wasn’t true, if discrimination was in a person’s heart then no matter what you do their true colors will most likely come out of them sooner or later.


Despite the discrimination I experienced I am going to get back on a path of wellness, continue writing my memoir and my creative non-fiction book , continue with school, and seek God.  One moment at a time, I can’t give up now, I am kind of sure my purpose on earth has not been fulfilled just yet.


I also STRONGLY believe #Mentalhealthmatters and that we as a society need to talk about it and stop judging and discriminating.

Let’s open our ears to listen and open our hearts to accept and embrace differences.


Inspire.Love & Motivate. Natasha M.

Words Are Art is NOW on SALE on AMAZON !

Words Are Art: See The World Through My Eyes

How would you like to be challenged to think outside the box, while gaining new perspectives on issues you may be dealing with? 

Let Words Are Art: See The World Through My Eyes be an inspiration to you, let it challenge you to see things & issues from a different angle , let it be your pick me up when you are feeling down, open your heart & let it tell you about my painful & unexpected journey, and most of all let it tell you about the love, mercy and grace of Jesus Christ .


Below is the Amazon link where you can read a sample of the book, purchase, or even check out my amazon’s author’s page. This book is available as both a paperback  & e-book ! The e-book is (0.99 cents) & paperback is ($6.99)!

GET YOUR COPY TODAY !!! Happy Reading ! Be Blessed!

– Amazon Link 


Also be sure to connect with me on social media at the links below:

Facebook.com/natashaminier

Instagram.com/wordsar3art

Twitter.com/nattiee_101

Finally…

Tidelands Park 2017


Finally a moment to sit & BREATHE, and still my thoughts seem to be going a thousand miles a minute. Seems like there has been so much to do with not enough time. Do you ever feel that way? Deadlines, expectations, etc (sigh) It’s life right? I guess it’s not really that there is not enough time, maybe we just give ourselves a lot to do in a day . Or is it poor planning on our part? or maybe it’s spending too much time on things that aren’t on our to do lists? or it’s not holding ourselves accountable for how much time we are spending on each task? or perhaps it’s a mixture of all these things? Who knows ?


Lately, I have been so busy with getting stuff ready to move I have noticed myself writing less and less over the last few days. I haven’t even been able to blog as much as I would like to. As the date of the move gets closer, I am filled with different emotions about different aspects of my life. It is really funny how we make plans in our lives but God ALWAYS has the final say. Surprisingly, I am excited to move despite the packing all my stuff and going through things, etc. I am just ready to be in a new place and start a new chapter in my life.


I’ve missed writing and feeling like I have time to spare. Recently even when I finish half the stuff on my to do list, I still feel like it wasn’t enough, and I want to do more. That is when fatigue begins to take over and it’s pretty hard to fight that but I try to, if only for a little while.  (Taking breaks when completing tasks is a must, even if it’s a 5 minute break. I haven’t quite mastered this skill myself yet, but when I do take breaks I feel better and more alert when I return to the task.)


No matter what happens life is constantly going, things are constantly happening. But like I stated in a blog a few weeks ago, we have to make sure we are taking that time to BREATHE and do some self-care. (So much easier said than done.) As I am sure you have gathered reading this blog, I have been neglecting my self-care lately.  Sometimes I get so caught up in doing stuff I forget about self- care and how important it is especially to me for certain health reasons.


Yesterday when I finally did get to BREATHE it was nice, to actually just let my self have a moment to just take pictures and enjoy the wind blowing, and the music going on in the background.  🎧   There’s nothing like taking time to take care of yourself physically, mentally , and spiritually !


Speaking of music, some of my go to tunes lately have been by Lauren Daigle. They have been uplifting for me. What are some of your go to tunes? What type of music do you like? I am planning to do a cover of one of her songs again soon! I did her Trust In You cover on a blog titled Trusting in God ! Check it out if you haven’t already !!!


 Over the next few weeks I am hoping to start a new series, give you the release date on my newest book that will be out in the next few weeks lord’s willing, and continue to share my journey with you ! You will hear from me soon !


3  Random Fun Facts About Me: (for my new subscribers)

  1. I have been transitioning to a vegan lifestyle for the last three weeks! I love it !
  2. I love to sing, write, and sometimes even paint !
  3. I currently have black, purple, and blue hair!

Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment with fun facts about yourself ! Thank you to all my subscribers who have been reading my work, about my journey, my struggles, and my truth. Writing is what gets me through the hard days and I wouldn’t have it any other way ! Love God & Love People.


Inspire. Motivate. Love ~ Natasha M.