Hey lovelies how is everyone? Happy Happy Monday. UGH, I’ve missed blogging. I’ve missed communicating with you all !:) When I don’t blog or allow myself time to write often I feel like something is missing, like a hole that I can’t fill by doing anything else. I feel as if I have no voice, no way to talk about my life, my obstacles, things I’m learning, and most importantly no way to connect with and help others or myself.
For the last few months, I have been dealing with deep despair. I’ve attempted suicide more than once, self-harmed, and depression and bipolar symptoms have plagued me so much that, some days I barely get out of bed to eat or brush my teeth. (GROSS RIGHT?) I finished the paperwork for my divorce, I started exploring new places, going on dates, trying to make new friends, trying to make light of a very dark situation. But with my habits, I usually end up pushing people away when I need them most just like I have done my family. Isolating has been my go to coping skill, which has made being alive worse. Let’s be honest, who likes to be lonely or alone in life, in general?
Funny thing is, I would say I am usually the one that will say “Don’t let your struggle become you identity,” but this time I have. This time, it’s me. I’m guilty. My struggle has enveloped me up and has become me. I might as well walk around with a sign that has my illnesses listed on it and introduce myself to people as my illnesses. This may sound ridiculous to some but this is how I feel. I tried to find and figure out who God made Natasha to be, but it seems my illnesses continue to overshadow who I want to be or who I feel God has made me to be, and therefore everyone around me no longer can see me. They can no longer see Natasha. Goofy, humble, extroverted, corny, ambitious, fun-loving Natasha. Instead they see anger, isolation, mood-swings, sadness, self-harm wounds, and a unhappy and unsatisfied person, among other things……When they look at me they see a disorder, something they want nothing to do with. Honestly, if I were them I would probably feel the same way. It is so much easier to walk away from something difficult than stay and figure the situation out.
Even though in some ways I feel my struggle has become my identity, I continue to ask myself where in the heck is my life going to go from here? And is there anyway for me to pick up the pieces of this mess I’ve created for myself?( I need God I know.) Through all this wandering, searching, and losing, I have been able to identify what it is I believe I lack along with thousands if not millions of other people lack also.
When you lack love for yourself, you will continue to feel not good enough, you will continue to let the little things people say and do traumatize you and make you question your own existence. When you lack love for yourself criticism tears you down to levels you never knew existed in your mind. When you lack love for yourself your body means nothing, you simply want to feel pain or alleviate stress/chaos by harming your body in someway. When you lack love for yourself the blood dripping to the floor from your self-harm wounds mean nothing. When you lack love for yourself, you try your hardest and you know you do but because other people say it’s not good enough you take their word for it. When you lack love for yourself, what people think about you affects what you think about yourself, until you truly began to love yourself. When you do begin to love yourself those same negative words and actions other people do to you began to roll off you like water. That emptiness that once ate you alive will begin to be filled with positive comments to yourself. You will began to believe you are loved, you will began to feed your body and view your situations & self as a whole with compassion. When you love yourself, in the back of your mind you know you’re good enough no matter what other people say.
So you know what take a second, take a moment today and ask yourself have you or someone you know let their struggle become their identity? If so how can you as a friend, Daughter, Uncle, Coworker, Dad,etc reach out and help them? My final question is what will you do today to show yourself some love? ❤
Me, though it may seem simple today I am going to show myself some love by drinking some water and making sure I eat ! ❤
To My Subscribers/Readers :
I would like to say how deeply sorry I am to all of my readers for my lack of posting. I take writing very seriously but the more I go through periods of severe symptoms and discovery, the more I realize how much I neglect myself to give others what is left of me. If you are one of the people in the world that also does this, let me be the first to say this is an extremely UNHEALTHY way to live. I have come to realize that if you neglect and don’t first love yourself and fulfill your own needs and wants, you will continue to feel emptiness, along with a feeling of deep emotional chaos and hurt, that words can’t describe.
As always thank you for reading ❤ Stay tuned for more honest, real, fun, encouraging and life changing blog posts !
Love you much!!!