Call her Lil 🐾 😯🌸

Happy Sunday everyone ! How has your weekend been? Mine has been filled with finishing up christmas shopping, snapchatting a ton, catching up with my  high school bestie, and today I will be packing for my trip, me and Lil leave tomorrow.


Can I get a drum 🥁 roll please……

I would like to introduce you all to my support animal, you can call her “Lil” for short.

img_0092I look at my baby 🐾 and wonder, how did I ever live with these illnesses without her ?


Believe me she doesn’t cure my mental illnesses, but her being here in my life really makes me feel not so alone during those low times. Lately, those times have seemed to be more and more frequent, and some days it’s hard to function. But it is nice to have someone who doesn’t just stare at you blankly (like I’ve had loved ones do)when you’re crying & falling apart, instead she climbs into my lap or lays close to me as if signaling me that everything is going to be okay. I catch myself being so thankful to wake up and see her little beautiful face looking up at me waiting for me to feed her, waiting for me to take her for a walk, play fetch with her, or do more training.


On the days it feels impossible to get out of bed, impossible to go to class, impossible to eat, impossible not to isolate from people, impossible to leave the house,impossible to do anything but have urges to self – harm or contemplate ways to take my own life , she has helped me SNAP BACK into reality and out of my own thoughts. Caring for her has made me more present when it comes to caring for myself. (Ex. making sure I eat, exercise, etc)


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I never knew how much a support animal would benefit me. Also, I never realized how smart a 7 month old pup (as of yesterday) would be, and how quick she catches on to training. She does and knows so much and her training has just began. Little does she know she has a happy, fun & meaningful life & job ahead of her and I am so blessed to have her as a part of my life.


Let’s be real, Lil is awesome, but life is life, nothing is perfect. The most stressful thing about having her is currently not being able to take her on campus with me, due to my school’s policy on ESA dogs,cats,etc.  Usually other places (stores,etc) have been really open about letting her be with me all the time.  Something that scares me is I’ve noticed I am becoming more attached to her. I even noticed myself getting anxiety when I had to leave and be away from her the other day. I have only had her for a month as of tomorrow, and she is already trained on basic commands, fetch, plus other things that help me, and she will continue training because I want her to get certified as an official service dog in the future. She has been such a breath of fresh air in my life ! She makes me laugh and she annoys me at some moments, but honestly I couldn’t imagine things any other way. My life would be more empty, lonely, and stressful without her !


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I think a really important thing is, finding what works for you in your life. Ask yourself and your doctor what will benefit you the most at this point in your treatment/recovery and go from there. Originally I did have some fear when  I first started looking into getting an ESA after my doctors agreed it would  benefit me. I thought, it might be more stress than benefit. My thoughts were, I barely can effectively take care of myself, how will I take care of an ESA ? Despite those thoughts I went with my gut and I went looking and ended up finding Lil, and I don’t regret my decision one bit. I take care of her and she takes care of me !


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❤  THANK YOU so much to my amazing doctors and therapists who care about my well-being and who want to see me LIVE & cope in healthy ways with my mental illnesses ! ❤


And on the other hand to all the people who have called me “weak”  or exiled me from their “friend groups” due to my conditions, or made me feel like I was an outcast, a nothing, unwanted,unloved, a burden, and disgusting, etc just know that your negativity is unneeded & despite everything you have said, done, made me feel, and the things you may continue to TRY TO DO TO  tear me down……….I WILL OVERCOME.


Inspire. Motivate. Love Natasha M.

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Fun Facts About Me! 

I decided to have some fun with this blog post, so you all can get to know me a little better ! The following 15 facts are all about me….

1.  I have approximately 12 tattoos, all of which can be covered by regular clothes.

2. One of my favorite tattoos is on my wrist and says “Be Free.”

3. In 10th grade I thought it was a good idea to do a project on vegetarianism, but I had no clue what it was like being a vegetarian. So I became a vegetarian and have been practicing different types of vegetarian diets since (about 8 years total.) I currently only eat dairy products. No chicken, fish, beef, pork, etc.

4. I eventually want to become a vegan.

5. I auditioned for both Juilliard and CalArts within a few weeks of one another. (Talk about NERVE WRECKING)

6. I love to sing but I don’t know how to read music.

7. Technically I am currently working on two new books a biography and a memoir. (Release dates coming soon)

8. Me and my mom have matching tattoos.

9. Non fiction is my favorite genre to write, but I prefer reading the Bible or fantasy books  (ex. kings, queens, knights,dragons,etc)

10. I changed my major in school 4 times. I finally settled on English & Theater only to now work on changing it again to allied health or pre med, so I can become either a emergency medicine doctor or physician’s assistant. We will see what happens ! (Though I have anxiety over it, I believe God will lead me where he wants me to be.)

11. Lemon water is my favorite drink.

12. If I don’t recognize ingredients in products when I’m grocery/vitamin shopping I google it.

13. The memoir that I am currently writing has been one of the most stressful things I’ve written.

14. I really enjoy animal documentaries/shows narrated by David Attenborough.

15. I’ve had braces a total of two times in my life, (once in high school & now in college) currently I’m on my second & last treatment with braces.

If you haven’t already make sure you connect with me on my author’s facebook page for more updates!  Feel free to comment below I would love to hear some fun facts about you!

Afraid, Ashamed, and Words Unspoken

So many things left frozen in time. Calls left unmade, cancelled appointments, hours upon hours of missed time at work, limits on things you can do, due to anxieties, toxic emotional habits, stories left untold, poems left unwritten due to negative feelings associated with them, it’s not knowing what state of mind you will wake up in from one day to next, so many emotions, so much emptiness, it’s hiding scars  with bandages and extra clothing, it’s being triggered by countless things sometimes you yourself don’t even understand, its unopened letters, it’s secret tears, it’s times where life seems to be passing by and it feels like mentally your stuck in a one place, it’s knowing the truth but believing a lie, it’s hurting in ways other people couldn’t even begin to understand, it’s the flashbacks, it’s those times where you are convinced you are not enough, it’s late nights where flashbacks and misery seem to consume you, it’s the times where the questions am I sick? and am I crazy ? are things you really ask, it’s the thoughts that say physically my body feels okay,but mentally I feel broken more times than not.

 Part of me feels like the mental illness has been my journey for a while now and it has become somewhat normal to me, living with chaos all the time, the only difference currently is, it seems to be in my head instead of in the environment around me. Through it all, I must remember. I am a child of God, and I am loved by him despite my illness and so are you. 

This has been one of the hardest blogs I have ever written. It’s real, honest, and doesn’t beat around the bush. I was led to share this I hope it helps to show people they are not alone and that everyone has their own obstacles in life.I figured this blog was hard because maybe I am afraid, maybe I am ashamed, or maybe I’d rather leave those words unspoken,unsaid. But I just couldn’t let fear get the best of me. Thanks for reading ! Be Blessed !

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.      ~Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

 

 

Questions…

These thoughts flowed through her mind over and over again, and she wondered if the pain would ever go away ? If the hurt would ever seize to exist ? If the images would ever truly be erased from her memory ? The days keep flowing, the medication keeps getting swallowed. Nothing seems to change. The brokenness and memories are still there and sometimes they take over her mind to a point where she is incapable of enjoying the life right in front of her. The therapy, the medication, and people’s lack of understanding broke her in a way no amount of therapy, medication or even love could begin to repair. The brokenness she felt had made its way to her soul. These thoughts flowed through her mind over and over again. Will the pain ever go away ? Will the hurt ever cease to exist? And will the images ever truly be erased from her memory? Questions she couldn’t answer, and wondered if she would ever be able to?


Signed,

Misery


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Inspire.Motivate.Love ~Natasha M.