You have to know that you are good enough and worth it. Once you master belief in yourself no one can steal that love from you.
~ Alex Elle
I sat in class hearing different voices speak. I sit straight up in my chair, so I am not slouching and paying for it later on, when my back is hurting. As I sit straight up, keeping posture in mind, I look down at my black ripped jeans and my bright-colored pink shirt. I sigh. My attention quickly shifts, in the corner of my eye,I catch a glimpse of my silver Pandora bracelet hanging from my left arm. I turn the bracelet around so the charms are laying on my wrist where I can see them. Immediately, I look at the silver heart charm and read it, you are so loved . I pay close attention to the letters and words, and read it again,whispering to myself, “you are so loved.” . On the charm, the word you has a heart where the letter o is, and some of the letters are written in cursive. It was like I was seeing these words on the charm for the first time. I swallow. You see, this silver heart charm was the first charm I had on my bracelet. 5 months earlier, my parents bought me the charm for my birthday. These 4 words were the words I stared at the most, but it didn’t matter. No matter how hard I fought, no matter how much I read those words. I couldn’t believe them.
My mind denied the words over and over again. As much as I wanted to believe with every part of my mind, body, and soul, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to. Me loved? Oh that doesn’t matter, I thought. Voices outside my head began distracting me from my thoughts, I snapped back into the present, and continued to listen to the voices that filled the classroom. I looked around, grabbed my pink notebook off the wooden table, got out of my seat, and exited the room as quickly as my feet would move. I looked down the hallway searching for a place to sit and relax for a moment, and there it was. A black leather chair I could sit in,relax, and collect myself by further investigating my thoughts. I walked to the chair and sat down. I opened my pink notebook and began writing, trying to make sense of my previous thoughts.
Y❤u are so loved, I thought. But am I really, I asked myself ? Too bad for me, I didn’t have spare time to actually be sitting here wasting time doing what I love, dissecting my thoughts through writing. I needed to be back in class. I took a deep breathe, got up, and began to walk back to the classroom. I looked down one last time and read the words, you are so loved. I continued to walk. I questioned myself further as I walked down the hallway, when will I believe ? I opened the classroom door, walked back to my seat, and began to let my thoughts wander on the words I couldn’t accept. My professor’s voice began to fill the room once again and class went on.
The words you are so loved, cause my mind to fill with thoughts of uncertainty. Why were these words so hard for me to accept? Why did this concept seem impossible for me to understand? The thought that someone actually loved me, seemed like it didn’t matter. I was convinced that loving others was most important, but what about others loving me? Or even more important what about me loving myself? It is as if, I have built a wall with a door around my heart. I open the door to pour love out where and when I am able to. But the moment someone tries to give love back to me I close the door, and I close my heart. The thought of me never accepting those 4 words, haunts me.
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