As I sat there in my chair, feet on the floor hands sitting on my lap, I began to look around and let me mind wander as the preacher spoke. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or what exactly was said but suddenly I felt guilt overwhelm my body. I began to reflect on my life and think about how and if my actions within the last week and in general honored God. I began to feel ashamed of myself as I thought back on my recent actions. I want God in my life. I want my complete existence, who I am and my actions to honor him and align with his word. I seek to know God but it’s as if I have been standing still and instead of embracing his love, grace, and mercy, I have been embracing my anxiety/fears, my illness and my broken heart. Embracing these have caused me to stop seeking God and instead become at a standstill. So many times we get so engrossed with the things of this world we lose sight of what’s really important. The thing I have failed to see while embracing these things is that God can heal every single one of them, but I have yet to lay it down at his feet. Instead i’ve been holding on to these three things with a death grip. Somewhere in all this mess I became convinced these things are what I was and in a way who I was. I was anxiety/fear, my illness and my broken heart. I realized I was taking my identity from these things and not letting God have them. Who would want to hold on to this type of pain right ? The thing is we all do it all the time, we think we can fix things or we can change things, but God has the last say in every situation. I recently wrote a prose titled doubt (that will be in my upcoming memoir, release date coming soon) and it explains my personal story of how I began to doubt God and if I would ever be healed and I just doubted what God could do in my life. I got to a point where I felt I didn’t deserve to be better , I believed I didn’t deserve to be okay and maybe this is where doubt began to creep into my heart. For me I am ashamed of my doubt and there is no excuse for it, but when you come to what you think is the end of your rope, one may begin to give up hope and that’s exactly what I did. If hopelessness consumes me I will remain at this standstill. All our journeys are different, and God has a plan for each one of us. Don’t remain at a standstill in your life holding on to failures, dissappointments, past events, etc. Seek God in all you are and in all you do. Give your burdens to him. Easier said than done, believe me I know that all too well. Just know that there is more past the standstill point.
