Depression is a hard thing to explain and it’s even more complicated when you have “BPD Depression.” It does indeed feel like drowning. Drowning in misery to say the least. To me it’s almost like during these times the world moves in slow motion, and I’m just still, unable to move. Unable to function,unable to care, unable to do anything but exist and drown.
Over the last few years, I have been struggling with mental illness. Over the last 3 months my symptoms and conditions have worsened. It has become harder to care for myself so that I can bounce back from all the symptoms and hospitalizations lately. Some days bouncing back/recovering from the episodes seem impossible to me because my mind is filled with nothing but darkness and I don’t see a future for myself.
I’ve heard my counselors tell I’m worth getting better, but I haven’t been able to quite grasp on to that idea.
Recently someone asked what do I want to do with my life? I immediately replied something like I don’t really know, originally I wanted to be a doctor but lately with how out of control my mental illness symptoms have been that goal seems impossible now, but I know for sure no matter what I want to write and continue being an author for the rest of my life. Writing gives me purpose and reminds me what it feels like to actually feel alive.
When I write, depression can’t find me and if it does, I pour it out on the paper with my pencil. When I write the misery, the PTSD, the bipolar disorder, the borderline personality disorder, the anxiety can’t hold me captive. I can escape, even if only for a moment.
As hard as it is, finding coping skills and activities that work for you is what is most important to help you get through those bad moments and bad days.
Writing may not cure me, but it sure does make my life feel like it has a purpose. God gave me this passion for a reason and I plan to continue to use it to spread hope, inspire & motivate others with my story, and stop the stigma around mental health. Let’s talk about it and stop judging one another because I know from experience #mentalhealthmatters !
Be sure if you haven’t already check out my blog titled Broken Arm & Depression that speaks about the discrimination I experienced at school due to a student finding out I had a mental illness.
Thanks so much to all my subscribers for continuing to read my work, please expect an exclusive interview series coming soon and some cool sneak previews of my new memoir that will be out and available for purchase on AMAZON as an e-book & paperback the week of January 1, 2018. Please continue to keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you ! Expect great things COMING SOON for all my current and future SUBSCRIBERS!
Inspire. Motivate. Love.