Drowning…..

depression defined


Depression is a hard thing to explain and it’s even more complicated when you have “BPD Depression.” It does indeed feel like drowning. Drowning in misery to say the least. To me it’s almost like during these times the world moves in slow motion, and I’m just still, unable to move. Unable to function,unable to care, unable to do anything but exist and drown.


Over the last few years, I have been struggling with mental illness. Over the last 3 months my symptoms and conditions have worsened. It has become harder to care for myself so that I can bounce back from all the symptoms and hospitalizations lately. Some days bouncing back/recovering from the episodes seem impossible to me because my mind is filled with nothing but darkness and I don’t see a future for myself.


I’ve heard  my counselors tell I’m worth getting better, but I haven’t been able to quite grasp on to that idea.


Recently someone asked what do I want to do with my life? I immediately replied something like I don’t really know, originally I wanted to be a doctor but lately with how out of control my mental illness symptoms have been that goal seems impossible now, but I know for sure no matter what I want to write and continue being an author for the rest of my life. Writing gives me purpose and reminds me what it feels like to actually feel alive.


When I write, depression can’t find me and if it does, I pour it out on the paper with my pencil. When I write the misery, the PTSD, the bipolar disorder, the borderline personality disorder, the anxiety can’t hold me captive. I can escape, even if only for a moment.


As hard as it is, finding coping skills and activities that work for you is what is most important to help you get through those bad moments and bad days.


Writing may not cure me, but it sure does make my life feel like it has a purpose. God gave me this passion for a reason and I plan to continue to use it to spread hope, inspire & motivate others with my story, and stop the stigma around mental health. Let’s talk about it and stop judging one another because I know from experience #mentalhealthmatters !


Be sure if you haven’t already check out my blog titled Broken Arm & Depression that speaks about the discrimination I experienced at school due to a student finding out I had a mental illness.


Thanks so much to all my subscribers for continuing to read my work, please expect an exclusive interview series coming soon and some cool sneak previews of my new memoir that will be out and available for purchase on AMAZON as an e-book & paperback the week of January 1, 2018. Please continue to keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you ! Expect great things COMING SOON for all my current and future SUBSCRIBERS!


Inspire. Motivate. Love. 

~Natasha M.

 

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Headphones in, Pencil in Hand, Notebook Ready…. (SNEAK PREVIEW INCLUDED)

I’ve been writing quite a bit lately, but I’ve posted none for my readers or subscribers. Sometimes I really do get lost in my notebook, and I just almost detach from the outside world. A good amount if not all of the material I have been writing lately will be included in my upcoming book.

 My upcoming book will contain some of the most heart wrenching and personal  moments I have experienced. 

Below you will find an excerpt from my UPCOMING BOOK :

I  somehow convinced myself that things were different. Things had to be different, therefore the love I needed was also different. These statements are incorrect. My mind, body, and soul crave different. Different behavior patterns. Different outcomes.Different feelings. I just wanted different. I wanted different but for me things haven’t been different. I’ve covered and filled my emptiness and lack of belonging with a list of to do’s, I’ve covered it with laughter and smiles  that sometimes don’t even penetrate past the surface, to even begin to mend my broken  heart or fill the emptiness. If I take the meds and do everything I am supposed to do,then why does everything still feel the same ? Why has different fled from me? All I keep going through are the same symptoms and same feelings but all I want is different. I want change. But I have yet to get either.

Release date coming soon !

All rights reserved. No part of the following writings may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the writer.

 

 

Birthday, Challenges, & Positivity !

So very thankful I have made it to see another birthday. This last year has been such a challenge for me, but despite that today I can say is going to be a good day for me! I am going to smile and have lots of laughs. I decided to make a birthday slideshow of the past two weeks with my mom while she was visiting ! I am looking forward to a wonderful year of helping others, publishing my new books, moving to start at a new school and just overall starting this next chapter in my life ! I pray that God guides my heart always ! Happy Birthday to me and happy Friday to everyone !!! Be blessed and remember God loves you!!!!

Back To Reality…..

Every once in a while it’s like I need a jolt back into reality and at that point I’m already way past gone . I’m usually so far in my mind I’m losing grip of the world around me . It’s like every once in a while I need a break from living or existing , a break to just catch up with the world and do and be everything I’m supposed to be plus everything positive every one else expects me to be. The day that my mind permanently catches up with my body will be the day I get true closure.