HELLO and Happy February & Happy Black History month! I had fun doing this acoustic cover of Adele’s Hello song !enjoy !(Click to listen) ———–) Cover of Adele’s Hello
Hey Lovelies! I cannot even believe it has been a month since I last posted. Honestly I took a break from posting on social media for a little bit, and with my hospitalization 3 weeks ago, things have just been a lot for me. I have been fearful of getting back into blogging so I’ve been avoiding it altogether. I have been dealing with high amounts of anxiety the last couple of days while trying to stay balanced, uplifted, and realistic.
Reader Discretion is Advised :
Let me take a second and just be real, raw, and honest with all of my readers: 3 weeks ago I attempted to take my own life by overdosing on pills. Even typing this, I can’t believe that I ended up at such a hopeless point in my life. Though hopelessness plagues me often, this type of hopelessness and desperation was something extreme. Death seemed to call out to me and I attempted to answer. I only remember that morning talking to my mommy on Facetime while making my bed, everything else is a blur until I woke up in the hospital. Iv hooked to my arm, in a hospital gown, machines around me. Numbness and confusion flooded my mind when I woke up. Talking about it now, scares me to my core and brings me to tears. How was this me, I thought? How had I come to this point? The worst part of it all is I have little to no remorse for attempting to commit suicide,I think I don’t believe it happened. Maybe I haven’t digested everything. The whole experience feels like a bad dream. It sickens and scares me. I am thankful I am breathing, able to walk and do for myself, but I really don’t know how to feel about this. My feelings are so mixed, I feel bad because I know God created me, and wouldn’t want to take my own life, but another part of me is like blah. I’m not that important.
My journey shows how you never know what a person is going through. They smile and tell you they are okay every time they see you or you hang out with them, while they are secretly falling to “pieces” on the inside. Then it seems like they are waiting to be pushed over the edge by something or someone. Not knowing that day by day they are being led closer and closer to death. When you lose all hope, what is left? Nothing. Emptiness. Silence. Darkness. Loneliness. All the things most of us like to AVOID as human beings.
To me my mental health issues have presented an aching pain inside me that I wish didn’t exist, but then again I am thankful they exist (on the good days) so I can talk out and advocate for other people suffering in silence. It’s almost like there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled, like it’s just missing. On the other hand, mental illness has been a part of my life for what seems like forever. I secretly question if I would be the same ambitious, loving, writer “Natasha,” I am had it not been for the mental illness symptoms over the years. It’s like having mental illness has shown me such horrible emotional pain, disarray and chaos I am not so sure I would be me without it. I am not sure I would love and give (what I’ve been blessed with) my material things so freely had I not experienced such dark places and chaos inside my own head.
My greatest fear is not being unsure if these same dark places and that chaos will attempt to claim my life again. I guess this thought scares me because I believe I have stuff to do, I believe I have a purpose bigger than myself and my problems to fulfill. I don’t want to die yet. But who’s to say I will feel this same way tomorrow or next week? On the day I tried to take my life the pain was unbearable, the silence was unbearable, all of the “things” I had meant nothing. My life meant nothing to me. I just wanted to escape from the lack of sleep and the silence……… The silence that I attempted to escape from is not something I can expect others to understand. I guess the best way to explain it is loneliness gives one this unpleasant feeling deep down inside your chest and in the pit of your stomach, then there is the silence. It surrounds you. No voices, no laughter, no happiness, just silence. The silence causes one to realize how lonely life can truly be , and then the symptoms come………and the chaos.
It is a battle daily to speak the truth to those thoughts that are untrue, and to make sure I take my meds, get sleep, eat right, and exercise. No alcohol or energy drinks. (I have iced coffee every once in a while) . Attend doctors visits. Get sun. (something I have noticed that helps me.)
These are just a few of the things that I have to make sure are done or not done to keep my mental health on a healthy track. Everything in life is definitely a work in progress.
My faith in getting better has dwindled and become just about non-existent. But I believe there are better days to come, even if only a few here and there. Our beliefs about our lives and ourselves have more power than I think we all realize, so this week take some time and challenge those negative beliefs/thoughts that you may be having and I will do the same.
In the meantime check out my cover of I Believe I can Fly below:
No, I don’t necessarily believe I can “fly,” but I do believe that in life a lot of the time we doubt the things we cannot see or imagine ourselves doing. I do believe a big part of my life is being “brave” enough to share my trials and obstacles no matter how shocking or embarrassing these things may seem. Me not speaking up is what led to a lot of hurt, pain, and inappropriate events taking place in the last decade or so of my life. I’m tired of being silent at the wrong times, and talking when it doesn’t matter .
God give me the wisdom to speak when I need to speak. Give me the wisdom to shut up when I need to shut up. Let my journey allow people to get the help they need if they are struggling with mental health issues no matter how small they may seem. God give me strength to dedicate all I have, all I am to serving you by loving and serving others. Let me not lose focus on you. Let me not forget everything I have is because of you. Let me not ever focus on material things including money. Give me strength to use my talents to glorify you and only you. God I pray for patience and love in this dark place.God I pray that anyone reading this who is suffering with depression, anxiety, etc will go and talk to someone they trust about it. God please show them there is nothing wrong with seeking help. God I pray this in Jesus’ name amen!
Thank you for reading! Be sure to share ! I love all of you !
Inspire. Motivate. Love ~ Natasha